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It's beginning to look a lot like...The Shining (?!)

Being trapped inside with the cold and snow reminds me of a rough time I experienced a couple years ago.

We were excited to get pregnant, but it was taking a few more months than we thought it would.

Nothing unusual, but by the time October came around I kind of gave up. Sure enough, we got a positive pregnancy test at Thanksgiving time.

That first week after the news things were great! No symptoms, not sure what to expect, but good stuff.

But then week 6 began. And the snow and cold of December began. Here is an accurate depiction of me, played by Jack Nicholson, in The Shining:

All of a sudden, the nausea kicked in, and this severe sense of doom and dread started drowning me.

You see, there is thankfully a lot of awareness out there about postpartum depression. But nobody really talks about the flip side: antepartum depression.

What's the first thing everyone says when you tell them you're pregnant? "Congratulations!!"

But what if, on the inside, you are feeling so horrible that this is the absolute opposite of how you feel.

And so begins the guilt.

As a logical human being, I knew that we were blessed to be pregnant. I knew that my feelings of depression were impractical, selfish, and horrible. I knew that I was completely lacking perspective.

But for the life of me I absolutely could not shake it. 

I would drive home from work at night and call my mom bawling, saying I wanted to drive my car off the road. I had a recurring thought in my head that I hoped we didn't see a heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound.

If you've never experienced depression before, then you likely think this is about the most selfish and disturbing thing a pregnant woman could say.

But if you've been there, then I sincerely send love and light your way, because it sucks.

Thankfully, with a little bit of medication, and A LOT of talking through my thoughts and feelings, the cloud suddenly lifted. I was no longer suffocating in my own body and mind.

Now, in hindsight, I can't imagine life without our tiny nugget, Luca.

But when you are in the thick of that forrest, and there is literally no light, and you are being sucked down into the tree roots, it can feel like life will never be ok again.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with any type of depression, let them know that you are there for them without judgement. Because when you are the depressed one, thinking these horrible thoughts, the last thing you want is to be judged by someone you love.

Love and light,
Nat

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